His cold and hard hands touch my defenseless skin again. I lied. I am afraid. And that is why I lashed out the way I did. To protect myself from the physical and emotional slaps that cripple me every night in my dreams and reality.

—11/05

I destroy what is left of me. The parts he so kindly and unkindly let me keep. I don’t want them. I want nothing left of myself.

—11/01

The most frightening part of our physical exchanges was the hatred in his eyes - the hate I knew he felt in his heart when mine held genuine fear. That’s when I knew he enjoyed putting me through the pain so he didn’t stop there…

—10/31

I’m feeling really down and broken today. I’ve never wanted to just pack up my shit and start driving this bad. I always say I’m not “feeling like myself” but I don’t even know what that’s supposed to feel like. I’ve spent so much of my life living uncomfortably and feeling overwhelmed; feeling homesick when I’m home. Sure, I live with my family and I’m always around family(somewhat) but I’ve never felt so out of place, unwanted, and alone. I guess I wasn’t where I thought I was with my mental health.
I have nothing keeping me here in SD so what’s stopping me?

Being here with my family is definitely what I needed after feeling so off for the past week or so. I don’t want to lose touch with my emotions again. God; I wish I could just move out here to get away from all the bullshit I left behind in San Diego.

About to take off to Seattle and I already don’t want to come back to SD.

Tbh I just took 10 melatonin pills and I honestly don’t care what happens. Wish I didn’t care enough to take more.

I’m in a familiar setting. In a garage. By myself. Sad music going. Alcohol at hand. Chain smoking. Killed appetite. No one to talk to. Let’s just hope this doesn’t repeat what happened 2 years ago.